sometimes

Sometimes, though not often at all, I think about how it would be if I had my arms around places, lips on skins out of my borders, hugs on people I’d like to get further with. And every time I think such thoughts, it never really occurs to me if it’s bad or good, it’s just alien.

Sometimes, though gladly not every hour, I feel sad. Because of the past and all those things that never happened during it, because of what the present seems to be (although it could be much worse), and most of all, the future. Ah, the future. Only the wisest aren’t afraid of it. Or perhaps they, most of all, are terrified by it. The world we live in is not a place for the wise, oh no. Happiness is not a place for the wise, either. Still, the world turns unhappily, though claiming and selling happiness while taking it at the same time – selling what we lost. Or never had.

It’s common knowledge that people today are quite close, but have never been further away. Still, I wouldn’t like living in a much different generation from my own. I like what’s been made easier, though it probably made us lazier, fatter and… unhappier. What happened to our innocence, so butchered by people like you and me? Every person is a potential weapon, and that hurts, doesn’t it? There’s no place for romanticism anymore in a world so crude and cruel. Is it, again, an alien concept to our generation – though still a very marketable idea, only way watered down, as any of my readers know by now.

Day by day I keep thinking how thought is the number one enemy of happiness. The most optimistic I can be is think that’s a stage, but I can’t be sure. What can we be sure of, anyway? Total subjectivism is sometimes a boredom, isn’t it? There are a number of life philosophies that seem to work in order to keep us living day by day. “Do your best and don’t worry”, “live one day after the other”. Well, sure they work. Have you had any idea why? Because you don’t have to think. If your life philosophy was “everything will always go wrong everyday, every time”, you wouldn’t have to think, really. And you would either kill yourself or live a very happy life, because that’s a “do your best, don’t worry and don’t expect anything out of people” with harsher words. It’s all in the way we say it, isn’t it? How else would James Blunt sell millions of copies singing songs about suicide? Well, well, anyways… Do you really believe that things will get better?

If an adult read this - none will – they would probably think it’s just some troubled teenager talking about, well, teenage troubles on their way to adulthood. Perhaps this is exactly what it is, only infantile. I don’t think I lived some things a teenager should’ve. The world is a party I was not invited to but crashed anyway, and am now crushingly bored by it. So far, I’ve only had my first love (and a lot after that) and my first day at the university. Not a first kiss, a first time, a first job. An ex-friend once said that it’s not that I had big problems, it’s just that… I didn’t have some things I should have.

As this blog is, in many ways, what I think about life in general, my 4 or 5 readers have probably noticed how I’ve been having a higher tolerance on rejection, because life must teach you SOMETHING, after all. But that doesn’t make one happy, either. No, no. Not so fast. Having a higher tolerance on rejection and loneliness comes from the idea that human relationships don’t work. Love ends quicker than friendships, but not before they tear us and people apart (duh). Perhaps this blog is me cooking the same dish everytime, only adding some little ingredients here and there, out of order, to see what it may become. As my psychologists said (yes, they both said it), no one is your ‘other half’, because we’re one complete person. That’s exactly why relationships don’t work. We don’t accept, we tolerate. And we only tolerate because we know intolerance and we have to struggle everyday with it. We’re either narcissists or we fake. I’m the first one, because I don’t want to play games. I want someone who is exactly like me (only better in what I don’t like about me) and therefore accept me as I am because it is who he is too, so I’d skip that part of having to struggle with things I’ll only get used to because I’d have completely lost faith in making things right (same way I stopped preaching vegetarianism because humans are insensible and disgusting, no use trying to argue; same way I sometimes feel neutral about being alone, because there’s not another possibility). This means I wouldn’t grow as a person, and this also means – now speaking directly – that I’ll spend my life alone. *sad orchestra* Theorizing the future is thinking. :)

Well, I think this is it for tonight.

“Sometimes, only sometimes, I question everything. And I’m the first to admit: if you catch me in a mood like this I can be tiring, even embarrassing. But sometimes, oh, only sometimes you must be… as embarrassing as me.”